Those Damn Brats
by BroknCanoli
Summary: Cheryl and Laura head back to Silent Hill after Harry and James become a gay couple. Lots of swearing as our favorite two idiots screw up every step of the way, and plenty of guest appearances.


DISCLAIMER: Silent Hill characters owned by Konami. They don't approve of this kind of 'dirty' work. This story is not suitable for anyone, but particularly children. Then again, Silent Hill isn't suited for them either, and it'll probably scar them more.  
  
  
  
"Dear Daddy,  
  
I'm sorry for running away with Laura, but we are both hurt by you and Mr. James's behavior. I miss having Cybil around and so we decided we'd go find her. We're hitchhiking to Silent Hill because we think she'll be there. We were going to bike, but Laura's bike has a flat and besides this nice man already promised us chocolate if we rode with him a bit. Do not worry, I will be back before Spring Break is over- I don't want to fail Fifth Grade by having too many absences!  
  
Love You,  
  
Cheryl"  
  
  
  
This was the note attached to the fridge on the morning the girls were gone. Harry stared at it, mystified, his morning coffee steaming in the 'World's Best Hubby' mug in his hand. His white bathrobe, with the word His printed on the left breast, completed the image of a happy family man that just didn't deserve to get letters such as this.  
  
The letter was there, however. It was tacked underneath a creative drawing Cheryl had done of skinned dog earlier that year.  
  
Underneath the letter was a Post-It Note.  
  
"James:  
  
You're an asshole AND a fag. Bye.  
  
-Laura"  
  
"Well, at least she doesn't think I'm a fag," Harry muttered to himself.  
  
"What did you say?" He turned around to see James pouring a cup of coffee into his own 'World's Best Hubby' mug, his own His bathrobe slightly more open than Harry's. The slut.  
  
"The girls are gone!" Harry exclaimed, finally beginning to panic. JESUS, they were fucking gone! Hitch-hiking! Back to that forsaken town!  
  
"I know they are, they died a long time ago." James sniffed his coffee and took a sip.  
  
"Not the wives, the fucking children! They went back to Silent Hill!"  
  
"EEEK!" James slammed his coffee down and grabbed for his plank of wood. "Don't joke like that!"  
  
"I'm not fucking joking, man! Get dressed, we have to get them back before they get too far."  
  
"Yes, Honey. Right. Only, do we have to get back Laura, she's such a little- "  
  
"BITCH!"  
  
"Yes, yes, moving now!"  
  
"That's better."  
  
******  
  
Soon the BMW was filled with various types of weapons, and both men were standing outside, looking determined.  
  
"Something's wrong," James said.  
  
"Yes." Harry nodded his affirmation. He took off the green overjacket he was wearing and exchanged it with the brown leather one James had put on by mistake.  
  
"You know, if we weren't the same build and height we sure wouldn't mix up our traditional outfits so often," Harry remarked with a goofy grin, and began to get into the driver's seat.  
  
"Oh NO you don't! Asshole, you can't drive!"  
  
"Why not? Look, I haven't wrecked a single car this month."  
  
"Uh-huh. Move over, I'm driving. At least then we'll get to stop and take a piss every once in awhile." James pushed his partner over and got in the car.  
  
"You don't pee though, you just stare at your face in the mirror!"  
  
James grinned. "Like you don't want to stare at me too, handsome?"  
  
Harry shut up and began reading this month's issue of Virtua Fighter Slash.  
  
******  
  
"Well, there's the last road sign: Silent Hill, one mile." Harry pointed to the blood splattered thing on the side of the road.  
  
"EEEK!" James reached behind his head and brandished his plank of wood.  
  
"Put that damn thing down, stupid! You don't have to scream like a girl every time I say Silent Hill!"  
  
"EEEK!" *Whunk*  
  
"OUCH, you fucking clubbed me-"  
  
Harry, blood sprouting from his forehead, fell into James and the car spun out of control, careening down the road and disappearing into the fog before crashing into a telephone pole. The vehicle destroyed, both men crawled out from the rubbish and wiped themselves down.  
  
"Oh, and I couldn't drive? Nice work genius."  
  
"Don't get mad Harry, at least we've got all the weapons-"  
  
The BMW exploded into a burning mass of metal, incinerating everything inside.  
  
"Don't worry Harry, I still have my plank of wood!"  
  
The older man slitted his eyes in annoyance. "Fabulous. That's why I love you."  
  
******  
  
Silent Hill was the way they had left it; foggy, fucked-up, and empty.  
  
"CHERYL! HELLOOOO!!!!" Harry called out. "Oh, yeah. LAURA! YOU TOO!"  
  
James was still clutching his plank, looking nervous. "Psst. Harry-muffin, I think if you talk that loudly, the widdle monsters will come out and-"  
  
"For God's sake, James, shut up! They're going to come out anyways!"  
  
"But... we don't have a radio..."  
  
Suddenly, the familiar static began, the carnival tunes getting creepier and louder as the two men stood there. A lolling deformation of human flesh appeared suddenly and, screaming, James beat it to death. The static died off.  
  
"But how did that happen?" Harry scratched his head, then looked down. "Hey, I bet... James, I told you this penis ring was good for something! It's picking up the radio waves we need!"  
  
James wasn't there. "Um, James?"  
  
The smoke cleared to the right, and Harry spotted a familiar alleyway. "Oh, fuck."  
  
As he walked down the crooked, bloodstained path, the day turned to night. "Oh, fuck."  
  
Harry lit a match and continued on until he reached a body on a chained link fence. "Yeah, this is familiar."  
  
The light of his match illuminated James, who was now naked and passed out in the crucifix position.  
  
"Well, at least he wasn't skinned yet." Harry unshackled his lover from the wall just as he heard several chattering voices behind him.  
  
DAMMIT, no weapon! He thought and dropped the match in his panic. As the demonic creatures zoomed in on him, Harry could think of nothing else to do but smack them with the naked James.  
  
They ran off. James, now conscious once more, said, "Harry, this isn't the time or the place, but if you must..."  
  
"Idiot, someone was gonna kill you. Now let's find you some clothes, find the girls, and then get out of here." He looked at the silhouette of James's face in the dark. "Okay, AFTER we fuck."  
  
******  
  
"Are you sure this nurse's outfit was the only clothing you could find?"  
  
"Yes." Harry avoided making eye contact.  
  
"Well, it's dark now, my plank of wood is getting mighty blood-stained, and we still haven't seen the girls. Maybe we should leave."  
  
"... hey, look over there!"  
  
Where Harry was pointing was a lighted, clean looking little strip club called 'Earthly Delights'. The marquee announced that tonight was amateur night.  
  
"Let's go, James, this is where Cheryl would be if she were here!"  
  
James followed him, pulling his skirt over his bum and mumbling, "If Laura's not showing her what the Lakeside Hotel has to offer..."  
  
The two of them sat down and waited for the show to start.  
  
Lisa walked out on stage first, took off her nursey outfit and rode the pole. Suddenly, she knocked her head into it and became a bloody mass of undead like she was always doomed to.  
  
"No, that wasn't my daughter," Harry said nonchalantly.  
  
Angela walked out with a microphone. "So when I was little, Dad used to rape me, and I killed him!" Drum beat. "Oh fine, be a tough crowd." She burst into flames and walked calmly off the stage.  
  
"That sure as hell wasn't that dumb bitch Laura," James confirmed.  
  
Dahlia Gillespie did a sexy veiled dance she had learned overseas in India.  
  
"Is Cheryl back there, Dahlia? You know,the short one, with the black hair?"  
  
"Kiss my Flauros, Harry."  
  
Eddie did a saucy number that ended with him in a purply glittery thong. He was actually pretty good until he started screaming for everyone to stop laughing and in his attempt to kill everybody, only shot himself.  
  
"Closer to Laura, but not quite her." James crossed and uncrossed his legs.  
  
Alessa, bandaged, wheeled her chair out, unbandaged herself and stood up. James clubbed her before figuring out that she wasn't a monster.  
  
"Sorry Ma'am," he called after her as she wheeled offstage, swearing.  
  
Mary/Maria, distorted and hanging upside down from a bed frame contraption, came roaring in attached to the ceiling and left after flailing its arms and screaming.  
  
"Was that supposed to be sexy?" Harry asked.  
  
"I don't know, but I'm turned on. Let's have sex again, the girls aren't here."  
  
After emerging from the men's room several minutes later the men continued on their quest.  
  
******  
  
On the seventh day, James decided they give up.  
  
"I'm hungry, I'm tired, the sex was better in our condo, and I don't even miss the bitches!" He crossed his arms, but his temper was offset by the ridiculous nurse outfit.  
  
Harry ignored him, because he could. "Something's been bothering me lately James. We still see these creatures, for days now..."  
  
"Yeah. Good thing I found this chainsaw." James furrowed his brow, lifted it ceremoniously and let out a manly noise.  
  
"But that means we still have inner demons, right? So why? What is our guilt?"  
  
James lowered the chainsaw and looked blank. "Well, I guess I should confess that I ate the chocolate Cybil sent in the mail for you..."  
  
"That's not what I mean! And I watched that amateur porn of you and Mary so we're even." He tapped his finger to his chin and pondered. "Could it be we're guilty for being together?"  
  
The two men looked at each other, than smiled. "NAH!"  
  
Suddenly a huge shadow appeared before them; as it loomed into recognition it bellowed, "IT IS THE FACT THAT YOU BELONG HERE."  
  
"Gyah! Pyramid Head!" James cowered behind his lover.  
  
"Great to see another face," Harry chatted, "Have you seen a little girl? Er, two little girls?"  
  
Trying to look as if he was glaring, despite having no eyes, Pyramid Head growled, "NO."  
  
"We'll be going then." Pyramid Head grabbed James and growled.  
  
"I WANT HIS BODY." He ripped off the nurse outfit and proceeded to crucify James on the nearest chainlink fence.  
  
"Hey, you can't do that!" Harry cried, grabbing onto one of James's arms. "He's my bitch!"  
  
A brief struggle occurred. Spears were thrown and Harry kicked PH mighty good a few times. In the end though, he was on the ground, and about to die.  
  
"James, my love, don't forget me!" he cried, reaching out to his chained lover.  
  
"Don't worry Pumpkin, your death is probably going to be less painful than mine!" the naked James responded, still pinned to the wall.  
  
At exactly the right moment, however, Harry's friends the aliens landed and eloctrocuted PH deader than dead.  
  
"Yippee!" The little men came out of the UFO and helped untie James. Cheryl and Laura also exited the spacecraft.  
  
"Daddy, what are you doing here?" Cheryl asked. "We've been looking all over for you."  
  
"You're always embarrassing me, you sad fuck," Laura said to James. He could only smile at her winningly.  
  
After James dawned a complimentary trenchcoat the aliens had thoughtfully brought along, everyone piled in the UFO for the trip home.  
  
"We found that living with a dyke like Cybil was worse than living with two gay guys, so we came back home to find you weren't there," Cheryl explained. "We got picked up by your little green friends and they located you by your penis ring vibrations."  
  
"See," Harry said, nudging James, "that's twice now it's been useful."  
  
"I did miss you Daddy."  
  
"Isn't that sweet, Cheryl! You're such a good reincarnated demon from hell."  
  
"I missed you too, James, even if you are an asshole and a fag."  
  
"You're still a bitch, Laura."  
  
The aliens nodded in agreement, and the spacecraft sped on into the foggy, foggy sky.  
  
THE END! 


End file.
